“Here’s to you … guys …”
I’m lucky to have some good guys in my life.
I have good brothers.
I have good male friends.
My dad was a real good man …
I have (and have previously had) good male work colleagues.
I don’t have a good partner (or a bad one!) currently which is totally OK most of the time … until my boy hurts.
Being a single parent is no walk in the park, and I don’t get ‘every second weekend off’ or have a ‘week about’ arrangement with the kids dad … he lives in Australia for a start! But that’s not what I’m here for, not why I feel the need to put pen to paper … or fingers to keyboard as we do in today’s world!
My reality … and that of my kids, is I am the sole ‘everyday parenting’ parent … 24/7 in their lives ~ that’s all good, and I’m certainly not the only one.
But the one thing I wish I could change, is for my son. My beautiful, caring, loving, support, nurturing and yet ‘manly’ 10 year old son, who consistently acknowledges me and the job I do of being mum “and dad” on a daily basis.
But you know … he misses ‘man time’. He lives here at home with mum, an older sister … even the family dog is female. There ain’t much testosterone hanging around here. So whenever there are ‘men’ around … whether that be his best friends dad fixing his bike, his Uncle Rob dropping in to “give him shit” and have a yarn, or a family friend including Jackson with whatever he may be doing with his kids … it leaves my young man with a ‘missing’ feeling when we have gone, or they have left.
It’s usually an hour or two after that Jackson will come to me with tears in his eyes saying “I know its silly mum but you know how ….” and out it comes. The fact that after he’s had ‘man time’ with a father type figure, that he feels incredibly sad and longs for having that on a daily basis.
I love that he can share this so openly and willingly with me. I love that I “get it” for him. I absolutely 100% understand what he is feeling and that’s what breaks my heart because there is nothing I can do to fix it … to take away his pain and sadness.
So we talk, we always talk … there are tears from both sides at times and I apologise to him for not being able to change this for him right now. To which he looks at me with tears brimming in those incredible blue eyes with green flecks and tells me “it’s ok mum … you are doing an AMAZING job and I appreciate you so much” and my heart simultaneously breaks and bursts with pride.
I’m never going to have the answers or the solution for this feeling for him but after some friends left today and Jackson once again came to me that afternoon acknowledging his sadness, I guess I felt the need to say thanks … thanks to the good men in our life, thanks to those who take the time to take my boy out fishing, or boating … to those who willingly come and have a look at his bike and fix it because I can’t …
I know I do the best job I can with the tools I have … I know I do as much as humanly possibly to be mum and dad on a daily basis … but I ain’t no dad … I ain’t no man … testosterone isn’t pulsing through my body and both Jackson and I know and respect that. I encourage him to go pee outside, I’m the first to start a burping competition or say “is that the best you can do?” … but nothing can fully make up for ‘hanging out with the boys’ and that is why I am grateful to the ‘men’ who have impacted in some small or large way with my boy.
So thank you guys … thanks to those of you who
have taken the time (and still do so) to hang out with this kid … your time, your inclusion, your interest in him makes him feel so happy – its that ‘extra scoop of something’ he so desperately needs and wants in his life and I thank you for being a part of his journey.
Macca ~ April 1st 2018
